Seeing Past the Blur to the Beauty...

I have just realised that I can hear properly again! It's so nice, to be able to load up a song and hear it in its full intent. So I can say that I am over the worst of the last two or three weeks, my throat is back in shape and my voice no longer sounds awful or feels gravelly, and my ears aren't giving me a constant feeling of sea sickness. It's been a big cold!

But during it all, when I could hardly do a thing but sit with the kiddo's and enjoy the ability for them to watch tv, or when Ethan and I painted up our Fathers Day memory box, it was nice to still be looking past the boring every day and appreciating their beautiful natures. Alice and her daily need to get up, have a brief cuddle and then ask for "bekbas" (breakfast) before pushing Gypsy's legs apart and sitting with her back up to that adorable pooch's torso. Ethan and his nightly need - "I can't fall asleep without it" - for a story. He now knows the words to Where the Wild Things Are by heart. These things were daily rituals, even with a wobbly sense of balance and a horrid ability to fall asleep on a whim (thank god for locking doors and hidey holes for keys!), these things were stay-points to our days. I could see past their boredom, straight to their love and beauty.

Past that blur of hurried childhood and running for shoes to go to the creek with dad, past the want to have four apples for breakfast and let the fruit sugar high make them mental for several hours afterward.

Past all that, and in to their beautiful souls.

Music, and Television....lack of one, loads of the other....

Yesterday I purchased an ipod dock. Yeah, I'm behind, I know. Nevermind, never been a trendsetter anyway!

But we invested in a decent one, as otherwise I could just run the ipod through the laptop in the kitchen anyway, right? I want to hear the music, not regret hearing the music! A tinny, non-balanced music speaker is none to good for me, to be honest, and I'm not even a hifi snob. But I did have requirements - I did Not want a clock on it, I did want it to be little (cos who can find more room even in a massive open plan area, right?), and I wanted it to have clear sound. Not Loud sound, but good and clear. I want to hear the guitar strums, the back up vocals layered on top of each other even when it is 'just' the one guy, strumming and singing me a love song. Those three things were important to me. So I researched, allbeit very hurriedly, and found myself a brand that had a little system that was perfect.

And you know what? The tv hasn't been on all day. If I'm honest, it was because Ethan didn't do as he was asked. But man, he has hardly noticed - could it be the noise in this area of the house maybe? I guess only time will tell...

Still Grateful....

Hey! I've been sick. Sickity sick sick sick. an ear infection landed me quite firmly on my backside for about 10 days, and although the ringing hasn't stopped, I at least am able to stay awake and walk a little way now more than I could even last friday. It's been quite the non-adventure!

So in all that time I've been quite upset that I hadn't been able to post a blog, to be honest. I had quite a lot to be thankful for, too. I have the luck of having a partner that could go and tell his boss I wasn't able to care properly for the kids, and they sent him back home to me! Imagine that?!!! I couldn't drive, could barely stand, if I'm honest, and cooking, cleaning and even hearing the kids was becoming quite difficult. I am so lucky he could do this. There are many places where it wouldn't have been possible, lets face it!

I was sooooooo, sooooo thankful for television, for the first real time ever. The ability to turn on the idiot box, load up a movie or just put on abc for kids, then quite literally 'plonk' the kids in front? That was a pure godsend. I couldn't do anything folks, and both of them weren't well either, so yep, plonkity plonk plonk plonk they went. For about four days I think all they really did was watch tv and eat junk food.

I was thankful for our health system in Australia. Sure, a four hour wait in emergency isn't exactly entertaining. But WE HAVE A HEALTHCARE SYSTEM. The pain in my ear was unbearable. I cannot imagine what this would be like if I lived somewhere where there is not a system at all. Or even where there is just one doctor.

And I was thankful for the abundance in my life. I dunno if I've mentioned it lately, but I have not got a lot of family support here in Western Australia. In fact, without going in to the hairy detail, the family support here that I do have, I don't actually trust enough to lean on (ok, enough said). But I do have an Aunt through the fella's side, and more than that, I have a Jess. My girlfriend Jess is another Godsend. Capital G, this time. She came numerous times, this time and many others, just to help watch the kiddo's so I could attend the ER again, or do stuff, or even just to knit with in the night time. I hope she knows how much that has meant to me. Not having to take two bored kids to an emergency room is a priceless gift. Coming home and having her offer to go and grab some chow so I don't have to cook? Are ya frikkin kidding me? That's just unbelievable. Not to mention all the abundance of things like my stores cupboards, my childrens clothing, and things that just didn't need doing like washing and cooking because I am one well looked after by the universe woman. I didnt wash any clothes for over five days, and we were never at risk of running out of anything, because I am so lucky with the amount of clothing that we all have accumulated over the course of time. It sounds trivial, but it wasn't. It did take a while to catch up on it all, but the thing is I could leave it that long to start with!

Then, as the smog of the pain and the manky ear lifted, I really became thankful for my own energy. I took the pooch on her first walk in a week yesterday, and it was such a blessing. And on sunday we actually took the kids out of the house - out of the suburb even! AMAZING! So then we took them to somewhere beautiful - Point Walter. Thank you!

Moments, glimpses....beauty....

It's been a loooong week folks. A long one. We have all been sick, with a flu that has really tested everyone's ability to maintain some sort of energy level. So cooped up in the house, sick, tired, and bored, we have been hanging out at home. Oh. My. Goodness. Me, two kids, a dog, and a fenced in attitude.

Roar!

So today I thought a little retail therapy, and a lotta walking in the son, might do exactly what we need. Give us some sun, a stretched pair of legs each, and the nice fresh lungs would do us good. So we did.

And there were moments where their little hearts and minds were full, and their smiles were real and stretched all over their faces. It was beautiful. Truly gorgeous and beautiful.

And for that, I'm thankful.

Lucky....

I fell off the wagon for blogging each day, and you know why? I forgot, cos I was having so much fun!

But I'm back, and I'm stuffed today, so I have just one line...

I am so sincerely thankful that I am Lucky. It's that simple.

Learning Curves....

I'm a little bit excited, and think I'm a little bit nuts.

We adopt our dog tomorrow, finally! After a couple months of waiting for her, she will be ready for picking up tomorrow morning after I drop Ethan off at school. Gives me a bit of time with just me and her, (and Alice, of course) without the loudness of a 4 yr old, and with the ability for her to join us on two car rides in one day to give her a taste of what there is still to come. She's going to change my life, in ways I'm sure I'm not yet aware of.

The kids will just blossom under the umbrella of a pet, we all know that. But it is also the companionship, the absolutely unconditional love, and the attention for exercise that is going to change us all.

And for the learning curves still to come, I am thankful.

Thankfulness to the brim....

Running on the foreshore at Emu Point

So I took my lovely little kiddo's on a holiday. All by myself. Yep. Well, nah, really we went and we stayed with a friend of mine from many years ago, so we weren't 'on holiday' alone, which I cannot wait to do when they are older, we instead went to holidays alone. And the hysteria involved in that is quite funny, especially if you tell the right older woman who's never had her car license! But, I loaded the car up with the fella's help on wednesday morning, we dropped him at the airport and we bolted down to the lovely town of Albany. And what an excellent idea it was.

Alice loving pink milk...

The four days away was marked by fantastic company, beautiful food, walks along the beach and forest, and truly fantastic childrens behaviour. Really.

I mean, we stayed with a friend of mine. We all have one of 'those' friends, with the truly amazing and fantastically gorgeous inside and outside child that behaves in every situation and on every level. And when we don't have one of our own, man, visiting those kinds of people with kids can induce its fair share of anxiety. So when we got there, and for the last four days my children not only enjoyed their days, but were a joy for everyone to be with (give or take some shots of reality, folks, they're still breathing in and out, after all, so there is hiccups with the breathing!), I really have come home on a high. They were in love with the surrounds, with the joys of playing as a threesome, and with the pink milk that was served in most places we went.

Ah, I love and am greatful for pink milk. Amazingly indebted to the joy it bought my heart to have my son order his own pink milk and sit in cafes or on the park floors enjoying it, sharing it and blowing bubbles in it.

How beautiful was my holiday, I can barely say....

Holida-ay!....

So the kids and I are off tomorrow on a little holiday together. We leave in the morning, and although I'm hoping to write a little, I might not get time because of the change of surroundings and the ability to throw those things out.

So I hope all goes well for the next few days, and I'll be back!

Meanwhile, I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to do this, and that they are now at an age that we can look at travelling so far with some form of optimism!

Why I Changed my Focus...

Sorry I have been absent a few days. Well, since thursday, I think.

The days are busier when the fella is home. We are more rushed, there is more to do, I guess - I hope, or otherwise I feel busier for no reason!

But I just wanted to say that since I started this change of focus, the way I see my kiddo's has really changed. I've begun looking for the positive in them, but I at first thought I would just find one thing a day - and now I find my brain competing with itself to figure out 'which awesome thing' to write about. It really has changed me from seeing all things as a struggle, to seeing 'most' things as awesome. As amazing parts of thier little personalities. I see what used to drive me nuts, as now being a sign of thier developmental milestones.

And honestly, I think everyone should try it, even if just for two days a week.

Spontaneity....or however it's spelleded...dedd.

Well, it's a dull ol' saturday here, not much going on except me doing the chicken dance with the washing machine (why, oh why, do I leave the laundry all sad and lonely for three days in a row? Have I not learnt a thing as a mama?) And at about 11am I thought to myself .... this isn't gunna look any different in two hours from now, why not just do something else?

So we packed up the sandwiches from a picnic in the park yesterday after school, and went visiting a friend. Then after that Ethan suggested we go to The Train Park. I have no idea what it's really called, but I do know that if I were 4, that place would have some sort of homing beacon to my brain. Imagine a park, with swings, a tunnel, a slide, loooooaaaads of dirt and sand and steps. In the shape of a train. Talk about Freakin' Awesome to the Power of Rad.

And it was seriously only about two minutes drive from where we were. How did he know that? Homing Beacon, for sure.

So yeah, totally undertaking the role of the routine-less mama, we steered the car in the direction of the park and went and played for a bit. Was totally excellent fun, being a train driver, a wayward passenger chaser, a damsel-in-distress rescuer, and a couple other things I really didn't quite understand, but did achieve the proper amount of yelling, laughter and fun out of both kids.

So the spontaneity of my son really struck me. This level of trust that we can just throw caution to the wind and it'll all come out ok. And Alice just really accepted the whole thing as 'what we are doing today'. I felt totally trusted. And totally in love.

Thankfulness...in stages...

Today it occurred to me that my children, like everything else, are turning and stretching out in to this world in stages. They stretch, learn, explore. Look over their shoulder at me, and return to me, exhausted with the journey of learning.

It's my job to be a soft and consistent place to return to. Like a safe harbour for pirates that have explored great depths, found treasure, and then found themselves looking for a warm meal and a lie down.

Today I realised, to my amazement, that this exploration, this learning, comes in fits and starts, of each of them leaving me, either physically or mentally, to go off and learn these new things. These are sometimes things I know, but mostly stuff I forgot (like how to walk along a stone wall while singing Johnny has one hammer) and that's why they go off to do it. They return to me, knowing no matter where they've explored, who they may have met or what they found, I am in the same place, waiting with warm heart and ready arms to rest in.

I am thankful for the ability to do this for my children. The start to life that they've had has shown them where my arms and heart are, how to find me in confusing and tiring times. To have them aware of my all-encompassing love is so important to me, because I want them to know I'm never going to leave them alone.

I'm so glad they know that. I'm glad that when they fall down, they look up for me to help them stand again. I'm glad that in me picking them up, time and again, they never fail to try new things and have new adventures.

This all comes to me because today was the end of term get together for school. We went to the park, and the kids just all hung out, played, got filthy dirty and played some more. Alice is an adventurous girl, but a paralell player, unlike her brother, who could never just sit or explore on his own. She wanders off, speaks to people, 'borrows' snacks from our friends and wanders a happy little way. I've seen her entertain herself for an hour or more at a time, even here at home, with books, puzzles, and babies that seriously needed 'ni-nighs' many times over. And today, she was a happy wanderer around all the school parents, one of which has a puppy. The puppy was fine, until it saw another dog and accidentally knocked her over. To which she just got scared, and a little hurt. Immediately I saw her raise her head her eyes locked to mine, saying "I need you to come here, make me better", and I was over to her in a flash.

Now I'm not the kind of mama that removes a child from their fears. Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing them on a rollercoaster when they're scared of heights or sudden drops, but I knew the dog had scared the bejeezuz out of her, and I didn't want this to ruin her usual unshake-ability of animals in the big wide world. So we sat, next to the owner, immediately. She was still teary, but the dog settled down and then eventually we got to speaking to the puppy again. I realised that it was me, I had taken her there, she had the confidence to explore and then became hurt. It could have ended badly, but she trusted me enough that when the time came, she found herself loving the puppy again and saying her words of conversation to it. It was a bit moment for me, to learn this about myself!

Because I have stages too, I guess....

They lead the way.....

Today Alice was bored. She'd had enough of watching me do housework, letting me hang washing, unpack the dishwasher and I dunno, just other stuff. So she came to me with her gumboots. She said 'shox....shoxx mummee' and pointed to her toes. So I got the socks, and put on the gumboots. Then she took my finger, walked me to the front door and tapped on it.

So we went for a walk. All her pace, except for a trip across the road and back. So we got about 200metres from the house, every now and again she'd stop and lean against my leg as if to say "mummeee, we have walked soooo far....mine legs are tired". And then she laid down. On someone elses driveway. A little bit of wee nearly came out, I laughed to hard. So then we walked home. Well, I walked home, carrying her on my hip for most part.

And after school I just sat and let Alice go through Ethan's lunch box and snack while he played. He then came and actually asked me if we could go home. I didn't have to round him up, stop him going off to harrass the school chickens, pick up his shoes, nothing. He'd had enough, he wanted to come home. And we played games and laughed in the car on the way home, just to keep the poor lil exhausted boy from falling to sleep.

When we got home, I'd forgotten to unlock the telly (which he doesn't know about, by the way, so sshhh! He thinks the tv is broken - broken tv = no nagging, locked off tv= whinge at mum til she unlocks it) so he just grabbed his sister, gave her a shovel and then they went out the back for a dig. It was actually harder to stop them and make them come in for dinner at 5 o'clock than it normally is, their synchonicity was so lovely to watch. But the weariness crept in for both of them, the hunger reminded them of the time. So he came in, and got a chair each for them to stand on because tonight was fried rice night, which Ethan cooks for us (all prepared, pre warmed veg etc). Then we sat and all ate together. Well, I ate, they inhaled. Fantastic.

So today I am thankful for children leading the way, being loving on the inside and outside, and fried rice.

I's all about cuddles and love....

Today I have a date with a babysitter. It's only early in our relationship, but she's so far been faithful to me, and I to her, and well, we're setting ourselves up for a very special bond. It was about four or five weeks ago I saw her ad on a local thread of facebook and part of me just went "Fuck Yes!!!" and I decided to grant myself four hours per week from having my children. She has come three weeks in a row now, on a sunday, and she just hangs out with them, giving them what they need, doing craft and both playing and supervising their play.

It's given me an opportunity to step back, and watch how they interact with others. I'm not in charge of them when the babysitter is here, and to be honest, she is a sitter, she's not a mother, and it shows. She just has this ability to play, unexhausted, and they love it. I came home today from a movie with a friend to find them racing cars along the linoleum, having a ripper of a time. They'd made cupcakes, drew, played outside and made an 'Antactica' out of blankets. They probably did more in those four hours than in the six leading up to it!

So today I want to say thanks for my childrens cuddles. I soooo get exhausted when we're having, as I've heard another blogger say, a shitf*ck of a day, and then now when I have been away from them for a few hours to relax and unwind on my own, when I return they give me unrestrained 'I missed you and am glad you are back' cuddles. They're fantastic.

So thanks, to them, very much.

Creativity and Expression

Just a quick one today (maybe? don't I usually promise this and then fail big time?!!!), as I've got a couch full of folding to do and although I promised I'd get to this early, I have only just got here.

Today Alice reminded me of one of the most coolest and awesome-est things that babies start to do. They start to speak! Oh, the joy of being able to look in to her little eyes and know what the fuck she is talking about is immeasurable!!!! Sorry, I know I'm meant to be all patient, kind and noble-peace-prize-winning as a mother, but cheese'n'rice I love the relief of when I'm dealing with other humans that I can actually understand in a verbal way. She is a lefty, my girl, and it was only when her first word was "Draw" that I started to realise how much I see that little freakazoid wobbling about in her cloth nappy bearing a pencil in her hand on the search for paper (or a wall, or a toy, or sometimes her hand) and her next artistic high. She will drag - literally drag - her brother to the kids table and get him paper, and point to the pencils and crayons for him to get for them both and then she will sit and just draw. It's sooo cool.

Which brings me to the bigger one. Who I was NOT watching after school while he played in the school playground (which by the way, is awesome to the power of rad as far as even I'm concerned) with his friends. We do this every day or two, just when the kids are picked up we let them hang out and play for half hour or so, get their steam blown off and enjoy some time with their friends. And today it had finally stopped raining enough to let them really go nuts, gumboots on, soggy socks underneath and totally cover themselves in wet sand because heck, its the end of the week and who doesn't like to get stupid on the fun of a friday afternoon?!

So there I was, chatting to another mum when I hear "nnnnnaaaaaaaawwww, your son is so sweet" from said other mum, who's looking over my shoulder. And I look. Well, there he is, helping his little sister up from a tumble, standing her feet firmly on the ground and then he just hugged her tight, whispering some kind of sweetness in to her face with a smile and gave her a gentle smooch on the cheek. I could have fallen over. This must happen so much when I'm not looking I thought! He took on this caregiver role awhile ago, maybe a month. And I always thought it was just a casual hobby, but it was so obvious that he's been fostering these expressions of love for her more regularly than that. She showed no hesitation, no fear of the unknown because it was clear he'd done this enough before that she knew what was going to happen. I was so proud. And I continue to feel proud now, even though it's hours later and they're both sleeping peacefully.

So that's my thankfulness for today. That my daughter is learning to be creative with her little hands, and that my son is learning what expressions he has in his heart, and that showing love for others is an obvious natural extension of who he is.

Today's Thanks.....

It was a rainy-arsed day today. See, here in Perth, we're spoilt for sunshine. Literally, when it rains, it really isn't something that you even think will hang around long. But today it hung around all day. It was a gorgeous day for getting crap done - groceries, produce and cleaning floors at home. Movie on the hard drive for Ethan and a little copying girl following me around this afternoon.

So it was soooo easy to find my things to be thankful for in my kids today. They spent a lot of time with me, and with eachother, and it was all inside except for the school run (and those pesky errands).

Imagine my delight that this little Alice girl, happy as a lamb on fresh grass, is now fitting in to her gumboots comfortably. So much so, she wears them with everything. Pyjamas, tights, a onesie. It doesn't matter. It's all great. So then when she finds a puddle she is just so adorable. Watching her squee's of delight as she marches back and forth, slapping her boots in the water. So today I'm ever so grateful for her joy.

Ethan, on the other hand, I am thankful for his honest love. He burst out of the classroom today, completely ignoring me and heading for one of his little friends for a cuddle. He calls her 'Porridge' for some reason, but only when it's just those two and he thinks no one can hear him. This amazing friendship has blossomed through this year and last, actually they met in playgroup. I am envious of his ability to have parents that have let their children stay in the same spot so long, how it's enriched his memories and his friendships even at this tender age. And he shows this appreciation through his honest love in each day toward these friends, they play and play and giggle and carry on so much it can take 45minutes to get in to the car after school. But I want him to use up every breath at this age enjoying just being this age. Enjoying the years of being able to wrap yourself, uncomplicated, unbridled and free of self-conscious thoughts in your friends and just acting your age.

That is what I'm thankful for today.

Join me at the Crayzeee.....

So I've been losing my God Damn Mind a bit of late. It's this mothering gig. It's quite smothering, if I let it be. I get no break. I just get more shit piled on my 'to do' list like I'm some crazed prozac popping happy '40's housewife who just can't get enough of silk stockings, baking for her kids and standing with a cocktail for the husband at 6pm at the door.

Problem is, of course, I wasn't born til the late 1970's, I don't know how to make a man's cocktail, I hate wearing stockings and when I bake, the kitchen needs to be empty of kids or I can lose my mind. So yeah, haven't blogged in a while. But, I decided, with a bit of Calamity Jane's inspiration, to let ya'll know that crazy has a new postcode - and it's right here, some days!

See, I was raised by wolves for the most part. Amanda Blake-Soule is a heroine of mine, but she'd probably be horrified by my meltdowns if she ever heard one, and up until recently I thought I was alone. In fact, until CJ's blog Apronstringz, I was pretty frikkin sure that I was the only freak in the playroom. That all the other stay at home mums had their shit firmly moulded in to a pile and sprayed with scented vanilla to make it not just look good, but to create more atmosphere in the room.

But now I'm starting to realise that I'm not alone. That every mother worth her salt is going to have reactions to the massive changes that mothering brings. That occassionally losing my shit, and then apologising for it, isn't the devils right hand. You see, before I had a family, I travelled far and wide across Australia. Alone. It was just me, the road and a two door daihatsu charade called Tennis that cost me about $800, my fairy cards and my journal and what ever fit in my backpack. I only moved on to attend the next gig for an entire summer of music festivals where I saw such amazing musicians my heart truly soared. And yet here I am, only 7 or 8 years later, and I can barely remember my own name sometimes. So I thought I would put in a couple of tips of my own, of what I do to keep myself from falling in to an abyss of self-loathing and try to stay on top of being a 'good' mum.

First of all, I tell my kids I love them and that I'll see them in the morning when I tuck them in to bed. No matter what, I love that being the last thing I say, especially to my son, each night when I turn out their light. It means to me that I'm looking forward to tomorrow with them, that no matter how today may (or may not have) gone to hell in a hand basket, there is hope for tomorrow, especially considering I can't wait to see them again.

Second, I always try to have something - anything - for us to all look forward to. It doesn't matter if the whole week is a mash of crap jobs and catching up on housework, if I can remind Ethan that on saturday it's family movie night and we get to eat junk and watch a cartoon movie, we're already feeling optimistic. We recently missed the fella's birthday, because he was working. But the day he got back, while he was sleeping off night shift, we made a paper chain of coloured in paper, set the table real nice and made his favourite meals. We'd wrapped his gifts, written in cards and put them as the centrepiece ... then I had to set the timer to stop the kids busting in to the bedroom and yelling 'happy birthday' two hours too early. Ethan had looked forward to it for the whole two weeks his dad had been at work.

Third, I soooooo try to stay away from this evil-doin' internet during the day. It's the devil, ya know. The frikkin devil. This laptop lives on my kitchen breakfast bar, and my daughter has started to cry - actually cry a cry of what sounds like "ooooh, nooooo....you don't look at me when you're on that thing" - when she sees me turn it on. So I've been weaning, slowly, my grip off of the nets during the day especially. And before I know it it's already 5pm and then there's absolutely no point turning it on til they're both in bed anyway (Arsenic hour here is about 4pm til 7pm, every one's tiredness starts to get to them and it's the dinner/bath/bed routine). So as of tomorrow, no computer on during the day at all. I'm even kind of promising myself that I'll check in here when they're sleeping.

And my final thing to do, and also the reason I'm planning on checking in here at least every couple of days for a while, is that I need to remember I love my kids. I really do love them. There's no one else on the planet that I feel this way about, no one else that could be locked in a house with me that I wouldn't chew the heads off after this much testing and pushing. I love them like nothing else that has ever touched my life. And the focus of this blog from hereonin is to focus on at least one loveable thing that has happened from my kids that day. To tell you about it, even pop a picture in if I have one. So here goes....

Today Ethan came out to the kitchen with his new little cups and saucers, asked me to hand him down the drinking chocolate (Milo) and proceeded to grab out the milk. There were two cups, and two saucers, and he made himself and Alice a cold chocolate milk in these tiny little cups. That little boy, so utterly four years old, without prompt or hesitation, made them each a little drink, served it and made it with love.

And I can't even remember teaching him that.

That's what I love about him so much - his compassionate heart. It's almost like he knows how good life is, and doesn't want any one or any thing to miss out on his good life. So cold chocolate milks in tiny cups on saucers for everyone to celebrate.

Gorgeous.

Well, not able to sleep again....

Good morning fairy cyber land! I've been awake about an hour and a half...and counting. It's D-Day here, the final countdown. The day when I become a mother of TWO. Holy cow.

I have the most amazingly generous friends and family really. I'm very lucky. Last night we had arranged for friends to come up and spend the night with us in preparation for today, as our friend Nat is looking after Ethan today. She's fantastic - if anything a bit TOO fantastic! Ethan carries on like it's a day at the fair when she's around!!! So we've clued him in to the fact that he'll be spending today doing a couple of 'Very Important Things' with his Auntie Nat, and dropping me at the hospital, then letting daddy come back and help mum get the baby out, then he'll be wrapping the baby a present and coming to meet her later on today. I have absolutely no doubt that he'll carry on a beauty when his dad leaves to meet me in the hospital later, but that it will last about five minutes, he'll make sure that the show was a really good one and then keep playing with Auntie Nat all day.

Aside from that, I'm a bit nervous. I know there are people out there, in the world, who had no doubt that they would have a huuuuge family, that they knew how their life-path was going to go and worked really hard to make it all happen properly, following role models, parents and friends and family throughout their lives to see 'how it's done'. But not me. I was never going to really ever have children, or settle down. I was a gypsy travelling lady, moving my way from place to place and never letting myself get bored of the ho-hum of a job or a lifestyle for more than a year at a time. But that all changed about four years ago, when Ethan's dad and I reunited and settled down in to our own home. Now look at us! We're about to become a family of FOUR!!!

I'm nervous for my partner, because he's never spent a whole big chunk of time with Ethan before. Like most two-year olds, Ethan spends most of his time with his mum, at home, while daddy is away at work. When daddy's home, I say that I cease to exist unless it's a mealtime or Ethan has hurt himself or something similar, but even then I'm mostly here and there on adventures with them both. But not for the next few days at least. I guess I shouldn't be overly dramatic, as I am not as nervous as I sound - yesterday Ethan got his daddy to make him some noodles, which he did, and then they proceeded to share them straight out of the jug. So I kind of thought straight away - "this place is going to be the man-cave for the next week!" - because they're going to be doing all that gross boy stuff that us mother's Never Allow. Like eating with out a bowl, leaving the toilet lid and seat up, and not soaking dishes....not to mention wiping our hands on our clothes, throwing snails on the roof and sharing icecream with the dog. And that's just the stuff my partner will do!

So today I'll meet my baby, which I am getting to be a bit excited about. It will be a better day tomorrow, when the operation has worn off and I'm able to shower and go to the toilet without a bag attached to me, and then the fun will really begin for us all. I have prepared as much as possible, and will finish all this this morning with the packing of bags for myself and getting a bit of fruit ready for Ethan and daddy to bring me this afternoon. After that, who knows? The great big new horizon for us all!

I can't sleep....

Well, cyber world, I have a confession. It's a confession only very few know, too.

On wednesday the doctors are going to put a sunroof in my tummy and my baby will be born. I know that c-sections aren't very often smiled upon amongst mums who've 'really given birth', but a couple of the ob/gyn's at my hospital have viewed and reviewed and then basically given me the best medical advice that they can. My body, unfortunately, is deciding that it's not quite sure what to do next. Inside, the baby is much the same. She's active, growing and in all other senses a regular 39week gestation baby. But she just will not engage and she will not turn to face my back. Much the same as with Ethan, I have been 'diagnosed' (?) with Failure to Progress.

I like to think of it as being such a good hostess, the guests don't want to leave the premises. When I was pregnant with Ethan, I had Gestational Diabetes, and the doctors do not let you go 'over' your due date with GD because of the risk of an early-aging placenta (and not feeding the bub right), and the high amount of complications such as jaundice. Ethan was born ok, but within about 24hours developed jaundice that took nearly 3 full days of treatment to get rid of, and another 3 days of tests after that to be completely clear of. I went in to be induced with him, and after 4 failed attempts, still had not had any contractions.

So in a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is that I kind of feel like I've cheated the system, and am about to do it again!

But I am excited! I didn't think I would be, considering it's all very 'clinical' in the delivery and we're well ahead of time what is going to happen, but I am. I can hardly believe I will hear her tiny voice for the first time in about 36 hours, and see what she looks like.

So here's to fingers being crossed, a safe and happy delivery and a fast recovery. I'll try and post tomorrow night before I go to the hospital, but otherwise, have a great week everyone and I'll be sure to share a pic or two when I return.

We're just not trendy....

Good morning blog-world! Well, just a quick one to say good morning (done!) and let you know that Ethan and I are off on an adventure to Pinjarra today to see a fantastic friend of mine. I love going to my friends home, because her and her friend are artists (must remember to ask if I can share the link to her husbands website!) and they just have a 'knack' for turning ordinary things in to the home and garden of their dreams. Ethan will enjoy a day spent with chickens and their dog, and their daughter will happily play with him as well.

So I'll update you with some photos, and maybe a link or two when we return. I've been a busy little lady myself these past few nights, as I am making a very large bag to take to the hospital with me when I have the baby in one month from now. It's huge. It's monumental. It's the first bag I've ever made that wasn't just two panels folded in half and sewed up the sides (and I've only made one of those too!). I managed to get shipped around the country in my first year of highschool, so after four different schools I found myself in cooking and woodwork for the first year of highschool, and until my partners' grandparents bought me a sewing machine I'd never even ever turned one on. So stay tuned, there WILL be brag photos for my first 'big' creation!

Talk about four seasons in one day....

Yesterday started off with me in a pretty foul mood. Actually, considering I'd had six hours of broken sleep, and not even the kind of sleep that mothers are used to, but really, really awful quality, broken sleep, I was crabby as no one who'd walked the earth! So I tried my hardest to pull myself out of the funk. I decided real early on that I wasn't going anywhere with such an ugly attitude, and got myself and Ethan dressed in comfy but do-able clothes. I opened the baby-on-its-way's bedroom door and we got stuck in to our little jobs that remained.

Ethan asked for the back door to be opened, which I happily obliged because he just loves the backyard - our dog is just super friendly and they play chasey, have tea parties and all sorts of things if you sneak up to the window or door and watch them. So Ethan had free riegn to come and go inside as he pleased, which made him happy (and easier to deal with in my crabby-bottomed haze!). So together, as he felt he wanted to, we cleaned the cabinets down, put together the bassinette, placed our wall decals, and packed a basket for my partner to bring to the hospital in case I'm in there for longer than we hope for. So not counting the cot, which is assembled but doesn't have the mattress in it, everything is just about ready. I'll do another post in the next few days with some pictures of the bub's room, because I'm so proud we managed to do the whole thing without really spending much money at all. Very simple savings of me!

With that sense of achievement under my belt, my crabbiness abated a little. My next irritation came in the form of my disgusting bathroom tile grout. It's been disgusting me for quite some time. I don't know if it's just me, but I notice where feet go. We have pretty cheap, thin carpet throughout the entire house except for a couple of strips of lino in the kitchen and laundry, and tiles in the bathrooms. And man, can you see the spots where we walk in the bathrooms! It's not that I don't wash my floors, it's those greasy marks that your feet leave behind on the grout that was starting to show up pretty bad. I've never cleaned grout before, but found a fantastic biodegradable product through Enjo call Calcium Disolver. I diluted it and sprayed the grout while I sat on the floor with a toothbrush and scrubbed the marks out. It worked amazingly, and I did all of the ensuite bathroom floor in under an hour! So my mood lifted even further with the theraputic scrubbing back and forth, and the fantastic result that I achieved without a nasty chemical in sight!

Then came the real fun....I have a girlfriend who is a party planner for a clothing company. I did an Enjo demo for her when I first started, and she mentioned that we could demo swap back then so I signed up to do a party for her in exchange for mine. The total that she owed, I asked for in credit on her products, so basically we both got products from each other for free. Well, the clothes department in my home is not the most loved and definitely the LEAST paid attention to in the whole house. I hardly ever buy clothes for myself, and if I do it's more secondhand, usually to replace something that is long overdue to go in the rag bag anyway. Well, yesterday was retail therapy to the MAX! I managed to get $475 worth of clothes for a measly $75 out of pocket! I walked away with about 9 items, because the company she works for are having a party special where for every $100 you spend you get a half price item as well. Then we factored in the credit I had from paying my friends items of Enjo, then the credit my friends generated through their spending (they also got the $100 special), and then the host rewards of a free garment, a $20 voucher and a half price item. So all in all, I'm going to look pretty fab over christmas, which is really quite exciting for me! I was soooo excited!

The day ended with one of my friends staying behind for dinner, and that boosted my spirits through the roof, making the perfect end to what started out as a very cloudy day. How lucky I am to have friends who'll do so much for me in mood and in smiles!